When I had a psychological evaluation a few months back, it was because I realized I was letting my anxieties take over. When you wake up every morning fraught with worry despite having nothing out of the ordinary going on that day, you start wondering what's going on in the old noodle. I certainly did.
I've had a few mental health issues rear their heads throughout life. At different points I've sought counseling, for depression in particular. Life has its ups and downs, and sometimes it's preferable to have an objective someone listen and weigh in. When you find a good counselor, they can clarify a number of things that get past you, whether it's what's bothering you at the root of everything or coping mechanisms gone awry.
Life has been stressful as of late, which a large number of us have experienced. I became aware I wasn't dealing with my stress so well. In addition to greeting the day with an awful sense of foreboding, I began avoiding social situations and people as much as possible. When I did have to go out and engage in peopling, I worried how bad I'd screw up. After every interaction, I wondered what stupid thing I'd said or done to make others judge me. I second-guessed EVERYTHING I did and said. Concerned about this endless spiral of apprehension, I spoke with a psychologist I know. With her encouragement, I had an evaluation. Though I knew my anxiety had become an issue, I was rather surprised to be diagnosed with Severe Anxiety Disorder. I hadn't realized just how much of it had taken over my life.
A bigger surprise was the Complex PTSD diagnosis. We've all heard of PTSD, especially in the context of veterans returning from troubled hot spots while on military duty. I've dealt with it after being hit by a car while in my twenties. Usually, PTSD consists of strong recurring reactions that spring from a single traumatic event. So what is Complex PTSD?
This is a fairly recent diagnosis that diverges slightly from the old PTSD we know and hate. It's a condition that typically comes from repeated, long-sustained childhood or adolescent trauma...say growing up in an abusive household or one in which a parent or guardian uses drugs and/or alcohol. I spent my childhood in homes with abusive, drug-addicted, mentally ill, and neglectful caregivers. That was determined to be the root of much of my current difficulties.
With plenty of past therapy under my belt, I pretty much thought I'd sent those demons packing years ago. However, it's become clear I didn't manage to evict all of them. With our world's current troubled climate and a few personal issues pushing my buttons, they came out of hiding. What fun!
Long story short, I'm in the process of shining a bright light in the dark corners. Clearing those devils out. Kicking them to the curb. It's the only way I know to claim a happy life, which we all deserve. It's to help me be a better mom to my son, a better wife to my husband, a better person overall. To be the me I was meant to be, free of immobilizing fears. It won't be a quick fix by any means...I have a lot of shit to shovel out. But the work has begun, and I'm glad.
I know I'm not alone in this. We're coping with troubling times, which can bring up a lot of past hurts. Life can be overwhelming, no matter how well-adjusted you believe yourself to be. If you're feeling beat up simply because you exist, you're part of a growing statistic.
If you suspect you may be suffering from Complex PTSD, or you're simply interested in learning more about it, I recommend A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD by Arielle Schwartz, Ph.D. You can get it from Amazon if it's not available at your local bookstore. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B086WNCT8B
There is also a workbook by the same author available with exercises to help cope with long-term childhood trauma. Talking to a professional is also worthwhile and highly recommended.
I hope you're all coping okay. If not, I wish for you the help and resources you deserve to feel better. I'm sharing this in hope you'll know that if it does look dark from where you're standing, you're not alone. We're all in this together, and you have a cheering section in me. Take care.
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