Saturday, December 14, 2013

Ways to Make It the Last Christmas

The holidays...can there be anything worse than spending them alone?  Actually, yes.  Maybe you're stuck with a significant other who makes you imbibe way too heavily in the eggnog.  It could be the old yule log is looking more and more like a handy blunt object with which to slug that certain someone who's not so special.  If you're starting to wonder how to tie a string of lights into a noose, chances are you need to think about flying solo.

Imagine being saddled with this nightmare.  He is just begging to have his candy cane broken.

But you're the nice type.  You don't want to give 'em the heave-ho-ho-ho in the middle of  Christmas, right?  That's okay.  'Tis the season to drop a few hints, via some inappropriate gifts and decorations that will have him or her dropping you like a New Year's Resolution in the middle of January.

First, decorate accordingly.  That someone not-so-special will start re-thinking your relationship when he/she sees these hanging from the tree:

Yeah, the visual I'm getting from this is making me more frigid than the North Pole too.
 While you're hanging this gem, make sure you tell him, "I've always believed Christmas isn't right without a dozen children running around."

Your next step is to dress festively.  Nothing says 'I'm in the mood' like sexy lingerie.

Get the blowtorch.  Frosty's going down, and not in a good way.

Make sure to wear something soft and cuddly.  Get him thinking warm, happy thoughts.

Extra points earned for not shaving to let your natural hair blend in with these leg warmers.

Has Clueless in Christmas Town still not picked up on the idea it's time to pack up the sleigh?  It's time to get serious:  the gift.  While Chia Pets are pretty damned awful, you're going to have to pull out the big guns on this one.  We're done playing around.

Bacon and sex.  Yes, we all love them more than anything else, but not like this.  By all that is holy, not like this.

And if you are REALLY serious about getting rid of this loser, this gift will certainly send them running:

Of course, they may be running to have you committed for this atrocity.  Still, you'll be rid of them, so it's all good.

Go for it.  You deserve to enjoy your festivities, even if it means doing it solo.  Unload that sack of coal, uncork a few bottles of Christmas spirit, and have a fabulous holiday.

2 comments:

  1. Really funny Tracy. Do you have any suggestions for annoying family members?

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    1. LOL. No, I'm still trying to figure that one out. They stick like ticks.

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