Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Killer’s Lament



As I write this, I am faced with the unthinkable:  I have to kill someone.  Make that a couple of someones.  I don’t want to do it, but my hand is being forced.

I’m talking about fictional characters here.  I hope that is obvious.  Still, even pretend people are hard to murder when you’ve grown attached to them.  In Alien Salvation, the death of Aaron McInness, Lindsey and Jessica’s father, was an awful thing to go through.  I hated killing him with all my heart and soul.

Even minor characters can make themselves grief-worthy.  Dramok Amgar from Alien Refuge only appeared for a few pages, yet I can’t think of him dying while heroically saving his adopted children without an ache in my chest.  Several readers have also told me they were affected by it. 

It’s tough to kill those I love.  Yet here I am, on the verge of doing so again.

One is someone you know and many of you care about.  I think I always knew I’d have to face this character’s demise at some point down the road.  It’s sad to let someone like this go, but the time has come.  I’m trying to be brave as I face saying goodbye, but it isn’t easy.  You’ll probably not be too happy to see it come to this either.

The second victim is someone you haven’t met through my writings yet.  I’ve met him however, and I don’t want him to go.  It doesn’t matter that I may have a long time with him and his end might not come for awhile.  Even with it potentially being way in the future, I have seen his death and I am already grieving.  I am already begging him not to leave us like that.  My only solace is that I might still have time to thwart that bastard of a muse of mine who insists this is the way it must be.  Maybe a better storyline will arrive in the nick of time, allowing me to pull my newest beloved out of the way of death’s forbidding grip.  Hope with me, because I really think you will absolutely hate me if this guy dies on us.  Some things are unforgivable.

Damn these stories that insist on having their way.  I know better than to fight what must be, but it’s so hard to give in to the inevitable sometimes.  The worst part of it all is that I’m the writer.  I should be in control of this ride...right?  Unfortunately, that’s not how it works out.  If I assert my will and go against what the story wants, I end up with a steaming pile of shit.  That’s how it’s always gone.  I can write well and have our hearts broken; or I can write something else, save us all from tears, and have the story broken.  There is no middle ground, no compromise that will keep it from being one or the other.  We are screwed.

When all is revealed and you learn who has passed on, remember I am sitting next to you at the funeral crying as well.  Yes, I am the one who killed them.  Their blood is on my hands.  However, I am only the instrument of their destiny, and that vicious bitch Fate wielded me with no mercy. 

The killer laments too.

14 comments:

  1. Now I'm tense. Hair on my neck is up....... damit. And I cant wait

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  2. can't you just tell us who it is so we can prepare are self for it. It would be the right thing, trust me, I wouldn't lie.

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  3. And it would make you feel better, you wouldn't be alone to grieve

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    1. I appreciate the kindness, but it's much too early to reveal right now. I'm still only in outline stages of the book in question, so things can always change.

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  4. Oh no! I'm sitting here trying to guess. I'm so afraid one of my guesses will be right. I realize its how it has to be at times, but please noooo.

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  5. Unfortunately death happens to everyone at some point and part of what makes your stories so 'real' to all your diehard fans is the fact that the world you have shared with us isn't perfect and people suffer and die there just as they do in real life albeit in much more dramatic fashion.

    I find it fascinating that you are just as carried away by the stories as we are if not more so as you know these characters so well and have probably imagined all sorts of background for them that we don't even get to know which, I would think, leads to a much greater intimacy for you.

    I know when I read about Aaron dieing I had to put the book down so I could go get a box of tissues and then I read that section over, apparently just to torture my self again, as I couldn't quite believe you killed him off the first time I read it through.

    I cry a lot when I read your books. Of course I laugh a lot and sigh a lot also. Do you think that may have something to do with why you are the only author whose books I buy as soon as they are released? Hmmm? :D

    Know that most of us(although I can only speak for myself of course) aren't angry and truly feel your angst as your muse drags you kicking and screaming down a particularly painful path.

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I and I'm sure others on here really appreciate the insight!

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    1. Thanks Elisa. My books, particularly the ones to do with Kalquor, are like a second life for me. I do get totally involved with the characters and I celebrate and cry along with them.

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    2. I can tell. I think that's the main reason I get so wrapped up in them. It's so obvious to me that this is an alternate world for you with all the nuances a real world would have.

      Particularly once I started reading the 'Clan beginnings' books. It's like you are opening a window into that world that we can peak through. I had to go back and re-read all the other books again once I read the 'Beginnings' books as it completely changed how I had been viewing them and added all sorts of new layers to the books that I had been rather oblivious to. I can't thank you enough for writing them.

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  6. Oh No I'm sorry for your loss not and ours latter.

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  7. Ok...my heart is breaking and I don't have the slightest clue who it could possibly be. While I agree with Elisa's comment, I am no happier than I imagine you are with this. I hope that your muse comes up with a viable alternate.

    In the meantime, I am impatiently waiting for Katherine's story and Alien Caged. Any idea when Alien Caged will be out?

    ~hugs~

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    1. Okay, before I answer anything...why do my heroines keep popping up here? First it was Elisa, which is the name of Alien Caged's heroine, now Brianna, the name I chose for the heroine of Brianna's Clan (the story with Dramok Sojan)! For heaven's sake, this is getting weird. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone...pick a heroine's name and I start hearing from her. LOL.

      Alien Caged...I am writing the first draft on that one with the hope I can have it published no later than October. No promises, but I'm trying.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your pain. I used to write fan fiction and I created a character I knew I was going to kill. Every review I got saying how much readers liked her made me feel guilty. In the story itself she was already dying before she was introduced, and I tried to put little hints in that she was sick but apparently they weren't strong enough. Tears were flowing as I wrote her death scene and readers were shocked I would do such a thing as let her die, but it had to happen for the story. You are not alone.

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    1. They say if you don't feel it, neither will your readers. I guess we have to resign ourselves to riding the emotional rollercoaster.

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