(Still on vay-cay, so it’s another repost. This blog originally appeared June of last year.)
I had to laugh the other day. I was reading a forum of erotic fiction readers who were debating the merits of their favorite books. When the subject of BDSM stories came up, several ladies immediately went into a tizzy. "I just can't stand it," one woman commented. "Reading about how a woman gives up all control to some overbearing man; how she submits and feels good about being ordered around like a sex slave! I hate how BDSM makes women into doormats, both in fiction and real life!"
I could practically smell her keyboard burning as she pounded furiously on it. And I shook my head with a roll of my eyes. So many just don't get it. It took a lot of self-control to not jump in with my two cents, because as a writer of light BDSM I know better.
It's easy if you're on the outside to think the man issuing the commands or tying his partner down is the one in control. After all, he's the one having his every order obeyed. He calls the shots. So the woman kneeling at his feet, bending over for his discipline, or hanging helplessly in chains must be a doormat, right?
Wrong. So totally wrong. She's the one in control, my dears. She OWNS that man.
The dominant man in a D/s relationship is often an illusion. The submissive woman has given him the reins because she likes the fantasy of being controlled. But what modern woman, fighting for equality in the workplace and society, would enjoy such a thing? I suggest there might be more than you suspect.
We women are responsible for a lot in our daily lives. We have so much on our plates from careers to childcare to parent care to managing household finances, so on and so forth. We rarely get a break and when we do, most of us feel guilty about taking it! Is it any wonder some ladies want to walk away from being in charge once in awhile? To have one aspect of our lives be someone else's problem? To revel in the blessed freedom of not making all the decisions for a few precious minutes? That can be one key facet of what female submission in the bedroom is all about.
Ah, the decadence of not worrying about whether or not your beloved is pleased with your performance! He's dictating it so if he's not happy, that's his shortcoming. You were just doing as you were told. Not your problem. Meanwhile, you're the recipient of his decadent attention, the center of his demanding affections. You get to relax and go along with whatever his wicked mind conjures, not concerned with making decisions and not held to any expectations (not even your own unattainable ones).
And if you doesn't like where the situation is going? If the boundaries are pushed beyond physical or emotional limits? With one word, you shut the entire scene down. In BDSM parlance, it's known as the 'safeword'. I like "sharkbait". That lets him know that if he doesn't quit what he's doing RIGHT NOW I will tear him to pieces, much like Jaws chomping on a naked swimmer. (Those who read the Netherworld series know this is also Brandilynn's safeword.)
That's right. The sub owns the ultimate control in the situation. There is nothing doormat about that.
My BDSM fiction, particularly the Clans of Kalquor series, doesn't always allow for the heroine to call a halt to the proceedings, but that's because it's a fantasy, not meant to be perceived in any way, shape or form as reality. And my alpha males are always on the alert for real distress from their women. Those heroines, for the record, are not wilting flowers either. Even when overcome and made helpless by the heroes, they are tough chicks who refuse to bow (at least mentally) no matter what.
I recognize there are many women who love being in control no matter what the scenario, and they don't like to see any other female give up that control even in fiction. That's fine that you're so take charge, Ms. Reader. If you like your heroines calling the shots in every aspect of their lives, there are plenty of books out there for you to enjoy. But don't think your way is the only way. Some women have no wish whatsoever to call the shots in a sexual setting. It doesn't make them wrong; it's simply a matter of different tastes. Stories like mine reflect that very valid preference, and I thank you to recognize if we were all like you, it would be a very boring world indeed (filled with a lot of pussywhipped men -- now there's a terrible thought).
My beloved readers, by virtue of what you buy, YOU have the final word on what I write. You are my mistresses and masters in this realm. I gleefully submit to your wish for captive sex, light discipline, bondage and D/s relationships. I happily serve those of you who prefer the fantasy of being under another's command, letting you release the awesome responsibilities real life loads you down with, if only for a little while. I'll keep writing these things for you, not just satisfied, but indeed thrilled to give you all you want and more. I do this because pleasing you pleases me.
Now don't you love having that kind of control?